Ten Sexiest Fighters in MMA

Bleacher Report recently posted a list of the Ten Sexiest Fighters in MMA, and upon reading it, and looking through it, I've realized I either possess some inner quality that is born to dispute anything written by Bleacher Report, or I enjoy looking at half naked men. I haven't decided, but I'm leaning toward the former just to validate doing this. I'll start by giving it the slightest credit; Georges is deserving of the top spot, and I say that without absolutely no objectiveness.

That said, let's dissect this bad boy. The article can be found here:
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/484459-top-10-most-attractive-fighters-in-mma#page/2

It begins with a few honorable mentions:

- Yoshihiro Akiyama: There he is, Sexyama. Everyone happy now?
- Cheick Kongo: He's french, and quite stylish.
- Matt Serra: Handsome, blue collar guy from New York.
- Diego Sanchez: Zen poster boy.
- Michael Bisping: Sexy Sex Pistol.
- Dominick Cruz: Bantamweight babe.
- Bas Rutten: El Guapo!

Matt Serra is described as "a handsome guy". Matt Serra is not a handsome guy; he's short and stocky and not at all attractive. Cheick Kongo and Michael Bisping are equally undeserving of honorable mentions. Kongo is French, so what? I believe this angle only works with Latin and Italian men, and faux designer sunglasses hardly make a man stylish. Bisping looks nothing like a Sex Pistol. He's British, how clever--the only reason he wasn't described in terms of some other British band is because of his big mouth. Until a punk British band dresses in obnoxious Affliction shirts, I don't buy him being "a sexy sex pistol".


Ryan Bader is DAMN good looking, and he's number TEN. If Ryan Bader is number ten on this list, he better be followed by nine fucking beefcakes, and quite frankly, he isn't.


Fitch's ears are big, sure, but his nose isn't, and he's a handsome dude. Seeing him follow Bader makes you think this list was cut from Ryan Bader's abs, but then it gets downright ridiculous.


There is nothing attractive about Dan Hardy--if the cheap "bad boy" card is to be played, then that's all he has going for him, and therefore has fewer credentials than the two men who precede him, who are not douchebags, who are described as "charming" and "rugged", and are better looking anyway.


Randy Couture is a good looking guy, but his standing in UFC lore has nothing to do with his sexiness, and since this is supposed to be a superficial list of attractive men who beat the shit out of each other, he belongs behind Bader and Fitch, and ahead of Hardy.


Huerta is a guy I expected to see up near the top, and placing him as low as six, presumably because he "looks like a guy who grooms more than the average guy" doesn't make much sense given that women typically like that sexy Latino look he's got going. He is sexiest so far.


Then it gets...stupid. Matt Hughes, who looks like he's been slowly losing his hair for the last ten years as his oddly shaped chest barely distracts the attention from his mishapen face, does not belong at number five. Excellent physique, but not sexier than Huerta, Bader, Fitch, or Couture. Hardy would have him if not for his pink hair.


Now, not only is Chael Sonnen goofy looking, but to find the one picture of him that truly captures the essence of seventeen year old guy who still tucks his shirt into his jeans does not do much for his standing at number four on a list like this. Also, that combover style hairdo he sports is glaringly obvious in a close up of his face.


Rich Franklin deserves a spot on this list, but not in the top three. Again, the picture choice is questionable, and his receding hair line tends to take away from his sexiness. So he's older as an athlete and still has a great physique, so what? Not everyone should be compared to Chuck Liddell's slight belly.


Now Frankie Edgar at number two may be the most baffling. Not only has no one he grew up calling "mommy" ever called this man handsome, but the description "the most adorable fighter in the UFC" is practically demeaning to the midget lightweight champion. His face resembles that of a turtle, he has a fade haircut and a multitude of bad tattoos, and if his skin was a darker hue of orange, everyone would know that he is in fact a New Jersey native, and he likes to throw his fists for a living.

So, if I'm to keep this selection of fighters and just reorder it, it should look something like this:

10. Frankie Edgar
9. Chael Sonnen
8. Matt Hughes
7. Dan Hardy
6. Randy Couture
5. Rich Franklin
4. Jon Fitch
3. Ryan Bader
2. Roger Huerta
1. Georges St. Pierre

If I'm allowed to wipe my ass with this list, making the skidmark strewn across the page easily more attractive than the first three fighters named, then it'll look something like this:

10-4: Who cares
3. Ryan Bader
2. Roger Huerta
1. Georges St. Pierre

Take that, Bleacher Report. Your idea of journalism is equivalent to Nickelback's idea of rock music.

Dana White: For the Love of all Things Holy, Keep ESPN Away from the UFC

Dana White, one of the three men responsible for picking up a dying fight company called the Ultimate Fighting Championship, recently announced he’s closer now than he’s ever been to getting this booming business a television deal with ESPN, the company who bills itself as “the worldwide leader in sports.” To the guys at the top, this kind of breakthrough could take the sport of mixed martial arts and vault it forward to help it reach its huge potential. Its potential dwarfed only by the circumference of Tito Ortiz’s head.

And for the love of the sport, each of its fighters, for Bruce Buffer, for Joe Rogan and Spike TV, for Steve Mazzagatti’s moustache, and Josh Koscheck’s blonde afro, please, Dana, don’t do it.

Today, nothing can compete with ESPN in terms on all around sports coverage. While most think it’s because ESPN truly is the best, they fail to realize that the only reason its competitors are to it what Affliction was to the UFC, is because more of their time and money is spent on fancy graphics, stupid gimmicks, and cheap fads.

A cheap fad, the UFC is not.

If one wants to know how many first pitch strikes Mike Mussina threw in his Yankee career after the fourth inning in day games pitched on Tuesdays after the All-Star Break, they need look no further than to one of ESPN’s baseball “analysts”. However, if one wants in depth baseball coverage without being suffocated with inane stats, unnecessary analysis and speculation, they’re better fit to find their closest little league venue and chat with an umpire who spends his down time working at a gas station, reading old copies of Sports Illustrated, and eating packages of Big League Chew.

That’s what’s in store for the UFC should ESPN take on the UFC, and cinch in its suffocating choke.

Fans looked forward to an Anderson Silva-Forrest Griffin matchup co-headlining a card with a B.J. Penn-Kenny Florian lightweight title main event for months. Silva put on a show and won over a largely pro-Griffin crowd. Penn and Florian took their fight to the fourth round, where fans cheered with each passing moment. Penn picked up Florian and slammed him, mounted him, took his back, softened him up, and choked him out. The crowd got louder and louder with each seemingly innocuous detail because, unlike ESPN, its fans have taken the time to learn what each facet of the game consists of. ESPN’s expert analysis of the play by play from the fourth consisted of this dialogue:

“Penn then does…this is called a…rear….naked…choke…”
“(through laughter): I don’t think you can do that on TV!”
“That’s a bad name for that!”

You could practically see the face of the twelve year old SportsCenter anchor giggling as he uttered the word “naked” on camera.

Only he isn’t twelve, that was exactly how the thirty second highlight actually played out, and a much more serious, devoted three minute segment on golf followed.

Look, we’ve all heard the story of Dana White attacking a female Sherdog reporter and lambasting her for her lack of knowledge on MMA. He came under much scrutiny for it and apologized for the incident, but if one thing shone through, it was his constant passion for what he does. These two clowns, who absolutely epitomize the intelligence quotient of nearly all of ESPN’s analysts and anchors, snicker at the word naked, and offer a half-hearted attempt at pretending to care about what they’re covering before delving deep into the explosive world of hitting a ball off a tee in casual khaki pants and a dressy polo shirt.

Don’t do it, Dana.

This sport continues to grow each day through DVD sales, word of mouth, through blog postings. It’s only going to continue getting bigger, and if the sport has seen as much success as it has financially through a tough recession, how badly does it need ESPN? If its biggest events are only available via Pay-Per View, and it’s made it this far without former scrub athletes spewing mindless blather about how many times Georges St. Pierre has landed an inside leg kick on the left side of the octagon as opposed to the right, please, stick to what’s gotten you here. The UFC doesn’t need a Stuart Scott sitting ringside speaking in ebonics and making up words that embarrass his black colleagues, it needs its current parternership with Spike to remain strong, and it needs its headstrong president to keep doing what’s taken a nearly defunct fight club and skyrocketed it to galactic proportions.