This time of year seems to take everything that's otherwise normal, everything we're used to, and completely turn it on its head. People suffer from a type of depression specifically related to this one season, everyone grabs their thickest boots that actually serve no purpose other than to give people like me something to laugh at, and they tune into The Weather Channel, taking any inkling of something that isn't scorching heat and telling all their friends to join them in building a snowman.
I love winter.
About a week and a half ago, I drove north on I-85 leaving Atlanta. I was supposed to drive south. As I headed further away from the city and closer to South Carolina, the rain became sleet. The sleet soon became very, very light snow flurries. The kind of snow flurries that melt the moment they land. The kind of snow flurries that you only see in the South, because it's just not cold enough here long enough to sustain anything.
And that's what's so funny to me.
I'm hearing multiple reports right now that the possibility of snow is real in parts of Florida. I can't help but laugh at how excited everyone will be to see snow fall from the sky for no more than thirty seconds before it's gone as soon as they can turn to their friends and share a wonderfully stupid grin.
Meanwhile, in the midwest...
Dozens of people have died in auto accidents and other unfortunate mishaps related to a horrible cold snap trouncing the midwestern region of the country. Wind chills have brought temperatures to, get this, fifty-two below zero in parts of North Dakota, and numerous states are about to exhaust their annual snow removal budget within the week.
But hey, wouldn't it be cool if we could all build a snowman this Saturday? Do you think they'll close local businesses?
Do you think Florida will declare a state of emergency like others have? I don't.
But that's what's so god damn fun about winter. Sure, it's a nice change to the sweltering inferno that is Florida from March to December, but let's just call it quits at the point where you have to turn on the heat in the car. Snow? Maybe next year.
Showing posts with label Nonsense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nonsense. Show all posts
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
USF's Sounds of Cooper Hall
Dubbed by this USF student as the "epicenter of weird", Cooper Hall, home to USF's english department, Subway, and a litany of other odd things sits conveniently between the school's library and Burger King. Its array of picnic tables, benches, and concrete facades to sit on make it one of the best places on campus to congregate between classes. It's time we salute this building, which looks older than the state of Florida itself, and what better way to do it than with an audio tribute celebrating its most colorfully bizarre characters.
Now, for the first time, you can purchase the first of The University of South Florida's salutatory series, The Sounds of Cooper Hall. Enjoy quintessential Cooper Hall sounds such as:
And more!
For the low, low price of $14.95, you get USF's Sounds of Cooper Hall on compact disc or digital download. Call now and get a bonus gift! In addition to these great tracks, you'll also get a very special introduction performed by the Socrates Sophist Group, a group of philosophy majors who take off their shoes and stand on tables in a supposed effort to bestow one half semester's worth of philosophical wisdom non philosophy majors could only dream to possess. You'll get these great hits, a special introduction, and, if you call within the next fifteen minutes, we'll even throw in the best of The Cooper Hall Crazies: Ten Nonsensical Prayers, Sermons, and Speeches as performed by only the most evangelical of Cooper Hall's quirky patrons.
BUT WE'RE NOT FINISHED
All of this can be yours for the low, low price of $14.95, BUT, be caller number four and you'll also receive:
A must have for all Cooper Hall patrons! Order now!
Now, for the first time, you can purchase the first of The University of South Florida's salutatory series, The Sounds of Cooper Hall. Enjoy quintessential Cooper Hall sounds such as:
"You Saw a Blue Uncircumcised Penis?" "No, no, it was circumcised!"
"And Like, Only White Anglo-Saxons are Worthy..."
"Just a Friend", performed by twelve shouting Theta Chi brothers
"And Like, Only White Anglo-Saxons are Worthy..."
"Just a Friend", performed by twelve shouting Theta Chi brothers
A Girl Speaking What Appears to be Middle English in a Condescending Parent-to-Child Like Tone in a Thick European Accent
And more!
For the low, low price of $14.95, you get USF's Sounds of Cooper Hall on compact disc or digital download. Call now and get a bonus gift! In addition to these great tracks, you'll also get a very special introduction performed by the Socrates Sophist Group, a group of philosophy majors who take off their shoes and stand on tables in a supposed effort to bestow one half semester's worth of philosophical wisdom non philosophy majors could only dream to possess. You'll get these great hits, a special introduction, and, if you call within the next fifteen minutes, we'll even throw in the best of The Cooper Hall Crazies: Ten Nonsensical Prayers, Sermons, and Speeches as performed by only the most evangelical of Cooper Hall's quirky patrons.
BUT WE'RE NOT FINISHED
All of this can be yours for the low, low price of $14.95, BUT, be caller number four and you'll also receive:
A black tank top
A cowboy hat
A knife
A puppy
And a copy of USF's Big Book of Bull Puns- Un-believ-a-BULL-y clever reading for every USF student!
A cowboy hat
A knife
A puppy
And a copy of USF's Big Book of Bull Puns- Un-believ-a-BULL-y clever reading for every USF student!
A must have for all Cooper Hall patrons! Order now!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
A Heartbreaking Bit of Breaking News Regarding the Snuggie Conspiracy
The Snuggies I discussed earlier have further integrated themselves into society. No longer are they just for adults, adults with breast cancer, or kids who don't know better than to dawn a backwards bathrobe and delve into the cult that comes with the Snuggie just like the pair of slipper socks or booklight embedded in the packaging.
Now, to really look foxy when consuming arsenic laced beverages, you can wear a designer Snuggie. All it took was a quick glance up at the television screen to see a woman casually reading (probably literature about the origins and plans for the future) while wearing a leopard print Snuggie.
You fucking heard me.
Leopard print. Soon to follow: zebra print, stripes, polka-dot, Sean John, Phat Farm, Abercrombie, plaid, Calvin Klein. I envision a future for civilization in which the same cliques we're all familiar with from high school still exist, only now they're wearing the same clothing they always wore as a backward bathrobe. This should solve the problem with walking into an Abercrombie store, only to be bluntly smacked in the face by a fourteen by fourteen foot canvas of some guy's chest and abs. Now it'll be a skin tight Snuggie that says Abercrombie, sewn on in a pre-frayed thread.
Don't forget to purchase your dog a Snuggie, as well. Buddy needs to interact with the dog down the street while doing something other than pissing on a fire hydrant, and the Snuggie will allow him to do so.
https://www.snuggiefordogs.net/
Just imagine what YOUR dog could do between meetings where the takeover is discussed. Disarm a nuclear bomb? If you buy him the blue one!
Now, to really look foxy when consuming arsenic laced beverages, you can wear a designer Snuggie. All it took was a quick glance up at the television screen to see a woman casually reading (probably literature about the origins and plans for the future) while wearing a leopard print Snuggie.
You fucking heard me.
Leopard print. Soon to follow: zebra print, stripes, polka-dot, Sean John, Phat Farm, Abercrombie, plaid, Calvin Klein. I envision a future for civilization in which the same cliques we're all familiar with from high school still exist, only now they're wearing the same clothing they always wore as a backward bathrobe. This should solve the problem with walking into an Abercrombie store, only to be bluntly smacked in the face by a fourteen by fourteen foot canvas of some guy's chest and abs. Now it'll be a skin tight Snuggie that says Abercrombie, sewn on in a pre-frayed thread.
Don't forget to purchase your dog a Snuggie, as well. Buddy needs to interact with the dog down the street while doing something other than pissing on a fire hydrant, and the Snuggie will allow him to do so.
https://www.snuggiefordogs.net/
Just imagine what YOUR dog could do between meetings where the takeover is discussed. Disarm a nuclear bomb? If you buy him the blue one!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Finally, I Can Rest Easy
I've always been fascinated by this country's obsession with useless shit. Billy Mays gets people to buy a litany of things that have already been invented, under names that obviously aren't nearly as clever (I'm looking at you, mounting putty, scratch remover, and picture hooks), and suddenly everyone is beside themselves when he dies.
That's why, when a product that's clearly nothing more than a bathrobe worn backwards was pushed as "the blanket with sleeves", I could no longer contain myself. I sat idly watching all of its piece of shit predecessors pedaled by annoying pitchmen and thought little of them outside of the fact that they were obviously useless objects.
Then, one day, I see an infomercial for the Snuggie.
Holy shit.
The Snuggie is, of course, a bathrobe. It's a bathrobe worn backwards. Here's a picture of it in all its glory:
As you can see, it's yet another product that's already been invented, but warmer, and snugglier. What's so unbelievably awesome about this, however, is just how absurd it looks. The infomercial shows a family attending a sporting even, each dawning a maroon Snuggie.
All that was missing was the Kool-Aid.
That's right, I said it. They resembled a cult. The only thing to make this advertisement more awesome was its free gift that was offered. A booklight. Probably to read the leaflets detailing the Snuggie cult's plans for its next meeting, or something.
Anyway, I saw the infomercial and watched it a thousand more times, laughing hysterically with each view.
But something was missing.
Then, in a twist of fate that nearly brought faith in God, the Snuggie FINALLY became available to kids.
Now even the smallest of empty-headed sheep could join along, adorned with the latest in fuzzy bathrobe-blanket trends. And the commercial itself? Right on par with the original. No free booklight, but the kids attending what was likely the same sporting event they were at in the original (though this time probably with their friends and not their embarassing parents!) still gave us all that "Awww, look how cute they all look" feeling, right before they likely committed mass suicide.
It remains to be seen whether or not this version of the Snuggie will see the success the original has, but with that kid in the commercial doing the Macarena like it's still 1999, I'd say we can bank on the fact that this will soon sell like hotcakes. Hotcakes, and a booklight. Best of luck, Snuggie for Kids, I'm sure you'll sell just as well as your parents. And if you don't, I can rest easy knowing you got the kids involved in all the fun.
That's why, when a product that's clearly nothing more than a bathrobe worn backwards was pushed as "the blanket with sleeves", I could no longer contain myself. I sat idly watching all of its piece of shit predecessors pedaled by annoying pitchmen and thought little of them outside of the fact that they were obviously useless objects.
Then, one day, I see an infomercial for the Snuggie.
Holy shit.
The Snuggie is, of course, a bathrobe. It's a bathrobe worn backwards. Here's a picture of it in all its glory:
As you can see, it's yet another product that's already been invented, but warmer, and snugglier. What's so unbelievably awesome about this, however, is just how absurd it looks. The infomercial shows a family attending a sporting even, each dawning a maroon Snuggie.
All that was missing was the Kool-Aid.
That's right, I said it. They resembled a cult. The only thing to make this advertisement more awesome was its free gift that was offered. A booklight. Probably to read the leaflets detailing the Snuggie cult's plans for its next meeting, or something.
Anyway, I saw the infomercial and watched it a thousand more times, laughing hysterically with each view.
But something was missing.
Then, in a twist of fate that nearly brought faith in God, the Snuggie FINALLY became available to kids.
Now even the smallest of empty-headed sheep could join along, adorned with the latest in fuzzy bathrobe-blanket trends. And the commercial itself? Right on par with the original. No free booklight, but the kids attending what was likely the same sporting event they were at in the original (though this time probably with their friends and not their embarassing parents!) still gave us all that "Awww, look how cute they all look" feeling, right before they likely committed mass suicide.
It remains to be seen whether or not this version of the Snuggie will see the success the original has, but with that kid in the commercial doing the Macarena like it's still 1999, I'd say we can bank on the fact that this will soon sell like hotcakes. Hotcakes, and a booklight. Best of luck, Snuggie for Kids, I'm sure you'll sell just as well as your parents. And if you don't, I can rest easy knowing you got the kids involved in all the fun.
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